30 July 2019

😳[Relationship Series] I'm An Introvert

7/30/2019 11 Comments
Photo credit: Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash
Whether most are aware of this or not - I'm an introvert. I'm not sure if it's just me or this is something a lot of introverts face whenever we have to disclose what sort of person we are, but the reactions we get can sometimes be priceless. Some people who personally know me in real life think it's a far fetched notion and refuse to believe that I am one, while for others, it just makes sense. It's not that hard to picture me enjoying my time with small company, skipping small talks and chatting about something real and quietly excusing myself just to recharge my "social battery" with what a little bit of seclusion can offer.

Being an introvert has its many perks but to be honest, it took a while for me to come around and  acknowledge that part about me. One reason for this is because back then, I honestly didn't like being one. There's actually nothing wrong with being an introvert but the world seems to have a different perspective on that. They label us as shy, lacking of confidence and quiet. "I wish you speak up more" and "You're a little bit quiet, aren't you?" are just some of the comments I think we all have heard of before.

My point here is, we're not seen as sociable creatures in contrast to those with a more bubbly personality that everybody thinks should be the way for everyone else. However, I think it's funny that such expectations are there for us because if everybody is talking all at once, who is actually listening and critically analysing what is being said? And if everybody is talking, it just makes it harder to give turns for others to participate and contribute. We advocate things like acceptance of diversity among people but imposing the idea that being different or at least in this case, an introvert, is defective goes against everything we stand for.

Being an introvert doesn't make you any less successful than others and I think where I stand now is a good proof of that. I don't know if anybody has noticed this but the gap duration between when this post was published and the previous one is pretty big. It has nothing to do with me being busy but I was actually having a pretty hard time to talk about this topic in the best way that I can. It's really personal and that's what made it so difficult because I'm not used to writing about MYSELF.

I recently came across this website by PURE LUCK and for all the introverts out there, it is a safe haven to read up about yourself and know how much you're worth it. I wish I can whip up a better post but I think this is the best that I can do (for now). Until next timeeee, thank you for reading!
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9 July 2019

🀷[Relationship Series] What If You're The Toxic One?

7/09/2019 6 Comments

In today’s post, I’d like to dive in a little deeper to a different topic that somewhat relates to what I was talking about in my previous post: [Relationship Series] Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love. Loving yourself unconditionally is and should always will be your top priority and because of that, accepting your flaws is one way to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to be a better you. 

You know how we’re always told to avoid toxicity and the people it possesses like there’s fire burning at our heels? It’s true, we should, we must. But then again, nobody can truly run far from being toxic. I’m not validating or supporting the people who make our lives miserable because believing that being toxic is simply a personality trait is nothing but a terribly weak excuse. What I do believe in though is that as a human being, we’re all made up of a ball of complexity with all the good and bad bits that make us who we are. We’re not entirely perfect but there’s never real pressure to be one. Who needs to be? 

We may be a good or bad person (or both), but whoever we are, I think just about anyone can fall into toxicity – this includes ourselves too and at some point of our lives, we have to admit that there could be times when we may be contributing to our own hardships. 


🌼 You're Not Alone...

Personally, I'm guilty of this problem and I also know that the people I keep close have spotted several of my toxic behaviours. So, just as it is difficult for you to read this, it’s hard for me to admit my flaws out in the open too. My purpose to write this post is so that I can raise some awareness that toxicity doesn’t always have to come from somebody else. Sometimes, we can hurt ourselves and others more than we think. To be less toxic means we’re working to become a better person, to be somebody we would like – drama and toxic free. 


🌼 It's Not The End. You're Actually Getting Better!

Having somebody else like me to say straight up to you that “You’re toxic” is a tough fact to swallow. Believe me, it’s hard for me to accept that I can sometimes be THE problem too. To remember those times when I overanalysed situations and think the worst of somebody else. To giving excuses for myself and my accountability for problems I thought had nothing to do with me. To the times when I rationalised that somebody else’s pain could never triumph over my own. 

The problem when you start realising you’re toxic is that the guilt can be terribly overwhelming. But it’s okay to feel those things because self-awareness doesn’t come easy. Being mature about yourself is to admit that you can be imperfect and knowing that there’s always a way to work on them. However, being toxic means deflecting that possibility. 

🌼 How Do I Spot Toxicity When I See It?

You don’t. Well, at least it’s not as obvious as you think it is. Just as Chelsy Ranard described in The Ladders, toxicity can mean how you make people feel and the kind of vibes you’re sending them. Some of the signs you may spot may include these:

πŸ’€ You tend to exercise control over others
πŸ’€ Blame others first for your problems
πŸ’€ It's not easy to let go of the things or people that hurt you
πŸ’€ You express love or admiration when you're after something
πŸ’€ It's hard to admit you can be wrong to someone
πŸ’€ Listening patiently to others is hard
πŸ’€ Many people have little to compliment about you and you make many enemies, etc.

How we can be toxic isn't only limited in romantic relationships. It can happen in family relationships, friendships, work relationships, etc. Even if we're completely toxic-free with our partner or friends, it might not be the same case with somebody else we know. Sometimes, we let ourselves get carried away with being toxic because we think we have little to lose.


🌼 Life Isn't Over Yet. You Can Turn Things The Right Way Around.

I'd like to remind us again that we're not perfect, nobody is. Realising that we're a toxic person doesn't mean that our fates are sealed to become one forever. We can change that and it starts from doing something about it. Toxic behaviours are learned but we can also remove them over time. We can start with stopping from gossiping, being less rude to have attention and respect, avoiding judging others and assuming without basis, quitting on acting out on our emotions and anger and reminding ourselves to start noticing the effects our actions and words have on others and how we react to that. 

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Toxicity can affect even the best of us. Breaking ourselves away from its chains cannot happen overnight because these things naturally take time. Remind yourself as you break one chain at a time that we can only be happier once we let go of the things that keep the best of life away. 


References:
1. The List 
2. Medium 
3. Mind Body Green 
4. The Ladders 

27 June 2019

πŸ’–[Relationship Series] Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love

6/27/2019 4 Comments

Loving others comes easy but when it's about applying that same feeling to ourselves, it's complicated and sometimes we take ourselves for granted. Perhaps the feeling comes more easily when it's about overlooking whatever faults or imperfections others may have, but we can't be equally generous in forgiving ourselves. I think it comes from the urgency to be better, to be the best image of perfection we can be and because of that, anything less simply won't do.

I never thought there'd come a day I'll be writing on something like this. Not ever and for many good reasons with one in particular - I'm battling my own uninvited demons from time to time. With something like that going on, it's hard to convince myself that I can be THE person who gives people bits of advices on how they should handle theirs. Despite that, this may be a step for me to see myself in a better light and because so many of us are also similarly facing the same thing, perhaps we can talk about how to better ourselves in terms of giving the heart a break and some love. 

But do take note that this post isn't going to be a mindblowing post from me nor can I guarantee that it will it heal your hearts. I can only hope that it will help you to know that you're not alone. For you to be happier, it has to start from you and you should never be the person to give up on yourself. With that in mind, here are a few points for us to think about on our way to self-love and self-acceptance:

🌼 Perfection? Oh, we don't know her...

Image result for no need to be perfect gif
         
One problem that we unconsciously do to ourselves is setting conditions to our self-love. To let yourself go and be happy, you need to first lose some weight, get those As, land that dream job you've always wanted and the list goes on. Of course, there's nothing wrong to have a list of goals you want to achieve someday, but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate the human being you are as of this moment. We also sometimes forget that not being able to achieve any of these things doesn't make us a failure either. Some things just take more time and a few more attempts to work before we can get them. At one point, you either get them or don't... or something better appears in its place.

I think personally, this is an advice that's the hardest for me to swallow and accept. This is simply because I've always been driven to be the best at whatever I do. Failing to meet the standards I've set for myself means I've lost and getting back up to try again would be impossible. And sometimes, I feel that I need to fulfil expectations of others when really, putting myself first and what matters to me the most should be the priority.

🌼 Sometimes, it's a matter of choice...

Image result for choices gif
Leah Davis in The Sweetest Way wrote:
When you’re making poor choices, choices that defy what you know in your heart to be right, you never will know self-love.
It's hard to love yourself when you don't make good choices in your life. We make it an impossible task to see what's there to love about ourselves when our choices don't define who we are. It's true, we don't have any control of what's to happen to us but we do have the power over ourselves and how we deal with different circumstances. Making choices we don't feel are right can lead to a never-ending cycle of guilt and frustration, and self-love may seem to be the last thing you think you're entitled to.

Occasionally I've been in that situation before where making the bad choices seem the easiest way out in dealing with my problems. Later I learnt that sometimes the good choices aren't easy to take up but when I do, I feel proud of myself. For once, I think I'm back on track at figuring out life.

🌼 Express how you feel...

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Although I'm still working on self-love, I've noticed that opening up my feelings to those who I trust makes things a little more bearable. It took a lot of advices and assurances to be drilled into my head that it's okay to unburden all those feelings to someone else who can share it with me. Saying "I'm fine" which mirrors the exact opposite of how I feel makes me feel more alone and it doesn't solve my problems either. Of course, it takes time for me to even disclose my feelings because I like to get a hold of myself first. Everybody has their own timeline and different methods work differently for each of us. This may be difficult for some people such as it is for me but opening up to others doesn't make you more vulnerable. I think its a step to honesty and embracing your feelings, both the good and bad. 

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When it comes to learning to love yourself and accepting the beautiful version that you are, it takes time and consistency not only on your part but the people around you too.
We need to be taught to love aspects of ourselves—again and again—by the people around us. 

11 June 2019

1 June 2019

😱 I'm going to puke but hey, the semester is over!

6/01/2019 0 Comments


My assignment partner and I have just submitted our final assignment due for the semester and I'm still having a hard time to accept the fact that WE ARE FINALLY FREE. I hadn't had a good break or much time for myself in so long that I've forgotten how to even chill and relax. Even while I was taking my time binge-watching on Netflix all afternoon today, there was still this annoying nagging voice telling me that I have work waiting for me when I didn't. I guess it takes some time to let the "Last Week Adrenaline" rush to die down a little before I can just laze around and actually enjoy my break.

And talking about breaks, here is the best part about it. It's three freaking months long because the next upcoming semester starts in September which means THIS GIRL CAN REALLY REALLY REST UP. I can finally do all the things I've been putting on hold just so that I could focus on acing my classes this semester and come out in one piece... and let's not forget, staying sane too. Because let me tell you, IT WAS TOUGH.

When people tell you Master's is hard, they honestly weren't joking. I appreciate that they don't sugarcoat their words but I still wish I was more prepared for this semester. But who am I kidding, that's what I've been telling myself every semester since foundation year but seriously though, you will never be truly prepared. You just need to have some grit, a good strong gut, awesome support group, time your procrastination hours and never ever forget that you can break down and have a good cry when things get too overwhelming. I had many of those this semester but I had so much support from my parents and mum's ulam keeping me healthy, my super fun classmates and kind words from Rino that I could finally even be here. I thought I couldn't get through it but I'm so glad that I kept trying anyway.

I haven't really thought about what I will be doing this break but I do know that I don't want to slack and sleep away through the precious three months that I have. I mean, let's admit this together, you will never have a break this long in your life ever again, especially once you've left the studying life for good and embrace the adulting life. I want to start drawing and sketching like how I used to, reading books all day, playing with my cat Dessi till I wear myself out, learning to make a new dish in the kitchen without ruining dinner for the entire family and actually head outside in the garden because I haven't done that at all since we moved in to our new home. I can't wait to be human. That's all that I'm saying.

Oh, and since we were on the topic of books, I have two in particular that I would love to finish. They're both classic literature novels (no surprise there) and I really want to tick them off my TBR list just so that I can brag and say "I'VE READ TWO BOOKS SO FAR THIS YEAR". I used to read so much back then, easily finished a book in two days but I rarely have time to even hold one let alone read a couple of lines. But I got time now so I'll take it slow and enjoy what I have. 

I've recently watched this interesting YouTube video (can't remember what's it called but I'll get back on this ASAP) on how to read books with limited time. You basically just need to read a book or listen to an audiobook for 10 minutes a day and in a year, you can finish 10-50 books easy. It's an amazing concept that starts with something simple as sparing 10 minutes of any time of the day you can spare to read. I like that and honestly, once you can cover those teeny 10 mins, you can expand it longer as you read. Start small and it gets easier to do.

I also got new spectacles from a few weeks ago. It's totally not my typical style I usually go for. I've never tried any other designs other than the typical rectangular frames ones and I've been getting so many kind compliments about how I look. What do you guys think?

Okay, glasses aside, I think I've done this blog a huge favour by posting a super awesome update from the one and only. I want to keep writing in here throughout my break for as often as I can. Out of the many things that I missed during the semester was blogging. People weren't kidding when they said blogging makes you feel better because it does. Okay, that's enough for now, thank you for readingggg!

1 May 2019

πŸ™…Unraveling Week 9 of Master's Degree

5/01/2019 2 Comments

Where do I even begin? I mean, I owe it to this blog and to whoever who is kind enough to drop by and check if I'm still human or half-way to becoming a corpse. I am so sorry for not posting that many updates as I wanted.

I've been unbelievingly busy and it has gotten to the point that I'm mostly working in front of my laptop during every waking hour I have. I think the one day I actually have all to myself are on Fridays and that's about it.

Life, eh?

Anyways, just as I've mentioned earlier, it is now Week 10 in the semester and many of the assignments deadlines are dangerously close. I have to think twice or a gazillion times if I want to procrastinate and try my luck that it won't hit me hard on the face later. Trust me, as a student, you have to schedule everything even time for procrastination so you know how much time you have left (but usually you don't).

Last week was a little bit stressful, to be honest. Our bedroom air-cond sort of decided she had enough serving us so she broke down for a couple of days. I'm telling you if you don't have either an aircond or a fan to ventilate your room, you-will-die. Or close to one because for almost 3 days straight, I had about just 1-2 hours of sleep that didn't involve me waking up in a sweat and contemplating to sleep outside on the sofa where it's 2x hotter. But now, she's all patched up and behaving well. This leaves me a happier, not-so-much sleep deprived me in the mornings.

If we travel even further into last week, I was also fortunate enough to watch Endgame right after class was over. It was AMAZING and I hope so much that I can watch it again. I watched it on the first day the movie was out and the crowd was so supportive. Again, the movie??? 100/10. 10 stars out of five.

I've also bought a new book that I hope to read till the end. It was an impulse purchase sort of thing but I'm not regretting having it in my possession.

Image result for the tenant of wildfell hall book

This is a rather poor update of my life but I'm more than glad I can fill in you guys with what's going on lately. I'll update again soon!

xxx
 


31 March 2019

πŸ’ƒ[Graduation Day At Last] - Vice Counselor Award (ANC) UiTM Shah Alam

3/31/2019 2 Comments
I HAVE FINALLY GRADUATED FROM DEGREE!

Give me every word for "overjoyed", "relieved" and "ecstatic" from the dictionary and neither of them can truly describe how I felt about my degree graduation earlier this week. I wish I can just shout out loud about how unreal everything felt (and still is, to be honest) but all I can say are my many "thank yous" to everybody who helped me to get to where I am now.

Just look at that happy chubby face!

Le classmatesss!


Thanks to God, my parents, lecturers, friends and myself, 3 years of nothing but hard work are paid off and I received the awesome Vice Counselor Award (ANC) during the 8th graduation session this Wednesday. Since it's been almost a year since I was done with my degree and applied for masters, I initially thought I wouldn't be up for celebrating something in the past. Still, I was proved wrong. Nothing can beat the feeling of seeing my parents' and lecturers' faces when I got up that stage and claimed my award.

Thank youuuu so much from the very bottom of my heart to those kind souls who were there for me! I only hope for the very best for you in return.

:)

8 February 2019

🀳 Taking a Break from Twidder!

2/08/2019 2 Comments

Hi everybody! 

Not long after I published my most recent post, How I'm Coping with Exam Results (FYI Not So Well), I was scrolling through my Twitter and Instagram non-stop, trying to fill up the empty and bored void inside of me when I realised something.

First of all, Twitter does not make things unbearable nor does it ruin people's lives. Just to set some things straight, I'll say this: it's an amazing platform to connect with my friends, getting news at a super ridiculous speed and sharing funny tweets.

But on another side of the spectrum, we have the negative and never-ending debates people engage in and can't seem to stop going on about them and dominating my feed. Sometimes, I can't help but get swallowed up in the whole drama that I have no care for. It's a nerve-racking experience. Just this week alone, we have stuff about Syed Saddiq, Emma Maembong, etc. Like... I didn't sign up to participate in all of this. I just wanted to know what my friends are doing and spam them with cats and bunny pictures!!!
Image result for i love cats gif

I basically snapped on that day and I finally decided that I needed a break from the app, even just for a while. It's not just about this week's drama... but Twitter netizens have of late been rather unbearable and toxic for me to get along with.

Of course, there's also the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm a Twitter addict. I don't like to admit it and it's even worse when I can verify this fact myself. There could be hundreds of things that I could do in a day but scrolling for the 1001th time on Twitter isn't exactly helping me to get things done. The whole "twitter getaway escape" was to help me get my time management on my phone set straight and perhaps, a little break to take my mind off from unnecessary drama. I reached a point where enough is enough and packed my bags to clear my head.
Image result for twitter addiction gif

I stayed away from Twitter for 4 days. I managed to restrain myself from tapping the app open in that period of time with little to no trouble at all. I was expecting more challenges, perhaps several episodes of me breaking down from "Twitter withdrawals" or an epic inner battle with my consciousness to keep me away from achieving my initial objective. However, no such things happened. I'm not going to lie though, I did feel some sense of emptiness at some point of the ordeal, especially when my friends texted me about something that happened on Twidder and I had no idea how to relate to the context. Still, I actually felt at peace and by the end of the fourth day (my birthday), I could stay on Twitter for short period of time to respond to a few wishes and left it again to do other businesses.

I think grabbing this break away from Twitter was a great idea. If I ever feel that things are getting too overwhelming on this social media platform, I know that I'd be okay to just leave it until it has reached to a level that I'm more familiar and comfortable with.

What do you think? Have you ever felt like taking a break too? Tell me your thoughts!
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1 February 2019

🧟‍♀️ How I'm Coping with Exam Results Day (fyi, not so well)

2/01/2019 0 Comments


You know what, this is exactly why I don't ever EVER set new year resolutions or even tell anybody if I have one. For people like me, they're made just to be broken or left to perish before the year even actually begins. In my case, I've left this sparkling new blog of mine abandoned for a good 3 weeks without a peep or sign of life. I NEED TO GET A GRIP. ARGH!

To be really honest with you, I have my reasons (here we go again). Well, primarily just two.

Reason 1: 
I absolutely have zero ideas on what to talk about without sounding cliche, boastful and pompous, or worse, an until bore. I WRITE FOR PERFECTION and inspiration has not blessed me with its presence for that amount of time and thus, I was absent. I swear on my life that when I truly write (fueled by inspiration, motivation, and a brilliant idea) and into something, I do it till my brain cells are fried and smoke comes out of my ears. Yes, exactly.
Image result for i got nothing gif

Reason 2: 
I have been in utter despair these last few days when a friend of mine told me that our exam results are coming out NEXT WEEK, first thing on Monday. And to make matters even worse than it already is, it will conveniently happen on my BIRTHDAY. Like whyyyyyyy... Now, whenever anybody mentions of my birthday, a chip of my soul gasps in horror and wilts away. I can't think straight, not at least until I know how well I did last semester. Once that unfortunate wretched day has passed, my soul can rest in peace and I can continue to leech more YouTube videos in bed.
Image result for panic exam results gif


With that explanation, you have your answer from the title of this blog post: no, I'm not coping so well. If you're a close friend of mine then you probably understand why I've been gloomy for a while. I just honestly can't stand long semester breaks. I don't want to make myself sound like I haven't tried being busy because I have, and it didn't last very long. I've read a few books, wrote some pretty TERRIFIC poems, watched all the movies that I wanted (I still haven't found Matilda on the Internet), and binged through dozens of YouTube videos, yet, it didn't feel very fulfilling.

Now that the new semester is a few weeks away, I have just enough strength to slowly but steadily build momentum in reading journal articles related to my course, pick up my Mandarin learning app, and basically doing stuff that is bringing my mind back to life. I CAN FEEL THE OLD WANI COMING BACK.

Anyways, that's about it for today's update! I hope to write more once I find an interesting topic to mull over and write. I have the drive to write but not the topic Hope you liked this one!

In the meantime, do me a favour and remember me in your prayers. HAHA
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P.S.
Pssssst! I'm just going to put this out here. I'm open to writing collaborations with other bloggers if interested. I think with the amount of time I have (there's plenty on my lap right now), I would loveeee to contribute my writing and work together. Email me here to chat about it: syazwanizzati@gmail.com