7 October 2019

😳 [My Stories] If Only I Wasn't So Afraid...

10/07/2019 1 Comments

WELL, WELL, WELL. A fresh new topic to get my weaknesses spread around the Internet? Getting my readers more depressed with my weekly posts? Well again, not really. I think this is more for the purpose of getting it out there that despite how I look around people, I'm actually really shy. Okay, so maybe shy isn't the right word I would use and I know my friends would rather rip their brains out of their heads than associate "shy" with me.

No, the problem with me is not that I'm just shy, but I'm sometimes a little frustrated by how much I hesitate to push away my fears, insecurities and the many "what-ifs" before making decisions and do something for myself. I get it, being a little cautious is not necessarily a bad thing but if that results in stopping me from getting what I want, then I need to rethink how I handle myself in these situations.

I realise that I have missed out on opportunities that could have been big for me. Things like voicing out my emotions when the time calls for it rather than keeping it stored inside. Things like making more effort to ask how my friends are doing and meeting up. Or even read through the ginormous amount of freshly bought books I never touched because I'm worried I'd read too much and time passes by when I have other things to do too.

You know, they're all just little things that if done right, I know I have spent my day well.

Here are some things I hope to tick off in the next one or two years:
  1. Become a better listener and an even better composed person at giving advices.
  2. Take my OWN advices as well.
  3. If I'm not happy about something, SAY IT.
  4. Avoid getting into toxic topics on social media just so that I can brag that I'm up-to-date with current news.
  5. Eat healthier, exercise more. It's not embarrassing to sprawl on the floor, exhausted in my apartment and letting my housemates question my motives. 
  6. Dress up and makeup the way I like.
  7. Keep my plants healthy for the rest of the year.
  8. Don't be afraid to be heard in a group of friends.
  9. Believe that you're doing just fine. Just because things are tough, it doesn't mean you're failing. You're surviving.
  10. To accept that despite my many insecurities and weaknesses, I have my strengths too.
  11. And despite how I am, there are people who love my company.

Inspired by Wit & Delight


Related image
Check out on my other posts here!

1 October 2019

🀷 [College Stuff] Blog Hiatus: Sis, What Happened to You?

10/01/2019 3 Comments

What did happen to me? I'm still a bit confused and dazed myself as to everything that had happened this month. I also think that it's been about that same amount of time I was last seen alive and well in this blog. Time just has a way of dragging you away to deal with your life commitments and by the time you're here, in this blog, you don't know WHERE to even start.

I'm currently a Master's Degree student at the University of Malaya and being in my 3rd semester now, things have started off pretty fast. No, scratch that, it's been pretty much BULLET-TRAIN-SPEED STYLE lately. Yes, we did get a little break from that crazy haze season about two weeks ago and our lecturers converted our usual lectures to e-learning mode. BUT there was just as much work as any other normal day. It didn't help either that that "time of the month" decided to drop by and say hello PLUS being sick that entire specific week (first time this year). At the end of all that, nobody blamed me for questioning for the hundredth time, "Why me." I was in such a sorry state. haha!

However, things have drastically slowed down since then. I'm at my 4th week in the semester and I'm adapting to the class setting a lot better. Keeping up with weekly lectures and assignments is bearable now that I have organised everything in a systematic planner. As far as I can tell, I haven't slowed down in committing to each recorded task. I have to be this meticulous with planning my time because I'm such a worrywart when things abruptly pop up and I don't know where to include it in my daily plans of tasks/commitments.

I'll update more soon, perhaps over this weekend as I'll be off joining a few events here and there. Let's just all PRAY that I'd remember to take pictures so that I have some colourful content to add in this lonely blog of mine. Until then, thanks for reading!

4 September 2019

🐈 It's Time You Meet Leo

9/04/2019 6 Comments

Sometimes, I find it very hard to take myself seriously and it's usually about anything that has to do with this blog. Since "😳[Relationship Series] I'm An Introvert" was posted a month ago, there has been little life here. Actually, more could have been said and shared, and I was around blogwalking from one amazing blog to another. Still, I just couldn't find that feeling of writing anything. 

That is until today. I've been keeping it to myself for a while (excluding my social media heheh) and I'm ready to dedicate a special introduction about him. In fact, I really believe it can sort of make up for the seriously long and unnecessary blog hiatus I've taken. 

I want to talk about LEO.

Who is Leo? Well, take a fine good look at himπŸ’–:
The sweetest ball of floof ever!
Leo is a mixed breed (Persion/Local) kitten we've recently taken under our wings since about two weeks ago. I wrote a long story about how he came to our doorstep in my stories but I'll spare you the details.

He's about four weeks old and is already learning to play and sniff around the house to explore. We're currently keeping him separated in a spare toilet specially dedicated to be his temporary bedroom. This is totally necessary because we already have a 3-year old cat, Dessi living in with us and she's a mighty jealous feline with the most horrible social skills you can find anywhere. While we wait till he grows a little older, Dessi can learn to get used to his scent and seeing him being paraded around the house from afar. She still hisses a little whenever she sees him but that's just about it for now.

At first when we found Leo, he was in a really bad shape. A male cat had isolated him out from the rest of the litter who were living next door and dropped him from a high wall that separated between both our houses. We had attempted to put Leo back to be with his mother again but not long after, the same male cat dropped him back on the concrete floor in our backyard. After what happened, we couldn't risk putting him back in case the male cat was around and that maybe he wouldn't survive the third fall. We wrapped him up in a fresh new towel and placed him inside a basket outside our kitchen. As much as we wanted to take him in, he just seemed so young and small for us to care for him. His mother was his best option.

The second night we had Leo
Unfortunately, his mother never claimed him and we decided that his fate was better with us. That was about two weeks ago and it felt like such a long time. He's fitting right in with all of us and I think we missed having a kitten to play with and take care of. He's a stark contrast to Dessi and in a way, we like the difference. While Dessi is more of a tough hunter sort of cat who keeps the house pest-free from cockroaches, flies, lizards, etc., Leo is gentle and likes to cuddle his fellow hoomans. There's a good balance having them around the house and I am SO GOING TO MISS HIM once the semester starts next week. T_T

Another great news is that another kitten from the same litter got rescued too and is safely being cared for by our neighbour. His name is Baby (don't ask but you have to admit, it suits him) and he is such an angel! He was in a similarly bad shape when he was found, what with the recent heavy rain and the fact that we think their mother had abandoned them. Baby was very skinny, with cramps in his back legs so that when he walked, he was sort of limping. He's currently recovering from worms and the last I've heard about him is that he's gaining some weight and making his hoomans very happy. I can't wait for Leo and Baby to meet up someday!
BabyRelated image
This may not be the kind of post you were expecting from me after weeks of being MIA. Still, I think I could do with a break from producing more posts for the relationship series until another great idea appears. I have about a week left before the new semester begins and Leo is doing a great job at keeping me busy all day. I hope I can come home every weekend to see how he's doing (and Dessi of course heh). 

What do you think about Leo? Do you have a special furry friend like Leo at home too? Share your stories with me!




30 July 2019

😳[Relationship Series] I'm An Introvert

7/30/2019 11 Comments
Photo credit: Georgia de Lotz on Unsplash
Whether most are aware of this or not - I'm an introvert. I'm not sure if it's just me or this is something a lot of introverts face whenever we have to disclose what sort of person we are, but the reactions we get can sometimes be priceless. Some people who personally know me in real life think it's a far fetched notion and refuse to believe that I am one, while for others, it just makes sense. It's not that hard to picture me enjoying my time with small company, skipping small talks and chatting about something real and quietly excusing myself just to recharge my "social battery" with what a little bit of seclusion can offer.

Being an introvert has its many perks but to be honest, it took a while for me to come around and  acknowledge that part about me. One reason for this is because back then, I honestly didn't like being one. There's actually nothing wrong with being an introvert but the world seems to have a different perspective on that. They label us as shy, lacking of confidence and quiet. "I wish you speak up more" and "You're a little bit quiet, aren't you?" are just some of the comments I think we all have heard of before.

My point here is, we're not seen as sociable creatures in contrast to those with a more bubbly personality that everybody thinks should be the way for everyone else. However, I think it's funny that such expectations are there for us because if everybody is talking all at once, who is actually listening and critically analysing what is being said? And if everybody is talking, it just makes it harder to give turns for others to participate and contribute. We advocate things like acceptance of diversity among people but imposing the idea that being different or at least in this case, an introvert, is defective goes against everything we stand for.

Being an introvert doesn't make you any less successful than others and I think where I stand now is a good proof of that. I don't know if anybody has noticed this but the gap duration between when this post was published and the previous one is pretty big. It has nothing to do with me being busy but I was actually having a pretty hard time to talk about this topic in the best way that I can. It's really personal and that's what made it so difficult because I'm not used to writing about MYSELF.

I recently came across this website by PURE LUCK and for all the introverts out there, it is a safe haven to read up about yourself and know how much you're worth it. I wish I can whip up a better post but I think this is the best that I can do (for now). Until next timeeee, thank you for reading!
Related image

9 July 2019

🀷[Relationship Series] What If You're The Toxic One?

7/09/2019 6 Comments

In today’s post, I’d like to dive in a little deeper to a different topic that somewhat relates to what I was talking about in my previous post: [Relationship Series] Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love. Loving yourself unconditionally is and should always will be your top priority and because of that, accepting your flaws is one way to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to be a better you. 

You know how we’re always told to avoid toxicity and the people it possesses like there’s fire burning at our heels? It’s true, we should, we must. But then again, nobody can truly run far from being toxic. I’m not validating or supporting the people who make our lives miserable because believing that being toxic is simply a personality trait is nothing but a terribly weak excuse. What I do believe in though is that as a human being, we’re all made up of a ball of complexity with all the good and bad bits that make us who we are. We’re not entirely perfect but there’s never real pressure to be one. Who needs to be? 


We may be a good or bad person (or both), but whoever we are, I think just about anyone can fall into toxicity – this includes ourselves too and at some point of our lives, we have to admit that there could be times when we may be contributing to our own hardships. 



🌼 You're Not Alone...

Personally, I'm guilty of this problem and I also know that the people I keep close have spotted several of my toxic behaviours. So, just as it is difficult for you to read this, it’s hard for me to admit my flaws out in the open too. My purpose to write this post is so that I can raise some awareness that toxicity doesn’t always have to come from somebody else. Sometimes, we can hurt ourselves and others more than we think. To be less toxic means we’re working to become a better person, to be somebody we would like – drama and toxic free. 


🌼 It's Not The End. You're Actually Getting Better!

Having somebody else like me to say straight up to you that “You’re toxic” is a tough fact to swallow. Believe me, it’s hard for me to accept that I can sometimes be THE problem too. To remember those times when I overanalysed situations and think the worst of somebody else. To giving excuses for myself and my accountability for problems I thought had nothing to do with me. To the times when I rationalised that somebody else’s pain could never triumph over my own. 

The problem when you start realising you’re toxic is that the guilt can be terribly overwhelming. But it’s okay to feel those things because self-awareness doesn’t come easy. Being mature about yourself is to admit that you can be imperfect and knowing that there’s always a way to work on them. However, being toxic means deflecting that possibility. 

🌼 How Do I Spot Toxicity When I See It?

You don’t. Well, at least it’s not as obvious as you think it is. Just as Chelsy Ranard described in The Ladders, toxicity can mean how you make people feel and the kind of vibes you’re sending them. Some of the signs you may spot may include these:

πŸ’€ You tend to exercise control over others

πŸ’€ Blame others first for your problems
πŸ’€ It's not easy to let go of the things or people that hurt you
πŸ’€ You express love or admiration when you're after something
πŸ’€ It's hard to admit you can be wrong to someone
πŸ’€ Listening patiently to others is hard
πŸ’€ Many people have little to compliment about you and you make many enemies, etc.

How we can be toxic isn't only limited in romantic relationships. It can happen in family relationships, friendships, work relationships, etc. Even if we're completely toxic-free with our partner or friends, it might not be the same case with somebody else we know. Sometimes, we let ourselves get carried away with being toxic because we think we have little to lose.


🌼 Life Isn't Over Yet. You Can Turn Things The Right Way Around.

I'd like to remind us again that we're not perfect, nobody is. Realising that we're a toxic person doesn't mean that our fates are sealed to become one forever. We can change that and it starts from doing something about it. Toxic behaviours are learned but we can also remove them over time. We can start with stopping from gossiping, being less rude to have attention and respect, avoiding judging others and assuming without basis, quitting on acting out on our emotions and anger and reminding ourselves to start noticing the effects our actions and words have on others and how we react to that. 

Related image

Toxicity can affect even the best of us. Breaking ourselves away from its chains cannot happen overnight because these things naturally take time. Remind yourself as you break one chain at a time that we can only be happier once we let go of the things that keep the best of life away. 


References:
1. The List 
2. Medium 
3. Mind Body Green 
4. The Ladders 

27 June 2019

πŸ’–[Relationship Series] Be Selfish: Build That Self-Love

6/27/2019 4 Comments

Loving others comes easy but when it's about applying that same feeling to ourselves, it's complicated and sometimes we take ourselves for granted. Perhaps the feeling comes more easily when it's about overlooking whatever faults or imperfections others may have, but we can't be equally generous in forgiving ourselves. I think it comes from the urgency to be better, to be the best image of perfection we can be and because of that, anything less simply won't do.

I never thought there'd come a day I'll be writing on something like this. Not ever and for many good reasons with one in particular - I'm battling my own uninvited demons from time to time. With something like that going on, it's hard to convince myself that I can be THE person who gives people bits of advices on how they should handle theirs. Despite that, this may be a step for me to see myself in a better light and because so many of us are also similarly facing the same thing, perhaps we can talk about how to better ourselves in terms of giving the heart a break and some love. 

But do take note that this post isn't going to be a mindblowing post from me nor can I guarantee that it will it heal your hearts. I can only hope that it will help you to know that you're not alone. For you to be happier, it has to start from you and you should never be the person to give up on yourself. With that in mind, here are a few points for us to think about on our way to self-love and self-acceptance:

🌼 Perfection? Oh, we don't know her...         

One problem that we unconsciously do to ourselves is setting conditions to our self-love. To let yourself go and be happy, you need to first lose some weight, get those As, land that dream job you've always wanted and the list goes on. Of course, there's nothing wrong to have a list of goals you want to achieve someday, but it doesn't mean you can't appreciate the human being you are as of this moment. We also sometimes forget that not being able to achieve any of these things doesn't make us a failure either. Some things just take more time and a few more attempts to work before we can get them. At one point, you either get them or don't... or something better appears in its place.

I think personally, this is an advice that's the hardest for me to swallow and accept. This is simply because I've always been driven to be the best at whatever I do. Failing to meet the standards I've set for myself means I've lost and getting back up to try again would be impossible. And sometimes, I feel that I need to fulfil expectations of others when really, putting myself first and what matters to me the most should be the priority.

🌼 Sometimes, it's a matter of choice...

Image result for choices gif
Leah Davis in The Sweetest Way wrote:
When you’re making poor choices, choices that defy what you know in your heart to be right, you never will know self-love.
It's hard to love yourself when you don't make good choices in your life. We make it an impossible task to see what's there to love about ourselves when our choices don't define who we are. It's true, we don't have any control of what's to happen to us but we do have the power over ourselves and how we deal with different circumstances. Making choices we don't feel are right can lead to a never-ending cycle of guilt and frustration, and self-love may seem to be the last thing you think you're entitled to.

Occasionally I've been in that situation before where making the bad choices seem the easiest way out in dealing with my problems. Later I learnt that sometimes the good choices aren't easy to take up but when I do, I feel proud of myself. For once, I think I'm back on track at figuring out life.

🌼 Express how you feel...

Related image
Although I'm still working on self-love, I've noticed that opening up my feelings to those who I trust makes things a little more bearable. It took a lot of advices and assurances to be drilled into my head that it's okay to unburden all those feelings to someone else who can share it with me. Saying "I'm fine" which mirrors the exact opposite of how I feel makes me feel more alone and it doesn't solve my problems either. Of course, it takes time for me to even disclose my feelings because I like to get a hold of myself first. Everybody has their own timeline and different methods work differently for each of us. This may be difficult for some people such as it is for me but opening up to others doesn't make you more vulnerable. I think its a step to honesty and embracing your feelings, both the good and bad. 

Related image

When it comes to learning to love yourself and accepting the beautiful version that you are, it takes time and consistency not only on your part but the people around you too.
We need to be taught to love aspects of ourselves—again and again—by the people around us. 

11 June 2019

1 June 2019

😱 I'm going to puke but hey, the semester is over!

6/01/2019 0 Comments


My assignment partner and I have just submitted our final assignment due for the semester and I'm still having a hard time to accept the fact that WE ARE FINALLY FREE. I hadn't had a good break or much time for myself in so long that I've forgotten how to even chill and relax. Even while I was taking my time binge-watching on Netflix all afternoon today, there was still this annoying nagging voice telling me that I have work waiting for me when I didn't. I guess it takes some time to let the "Last Week Adrenaline" rush to die down a little before I can just laze around and actually enjoy my break.

And talking about breaks, here is the best part about it. It's three freaking months long because the next upcoming semester starts in September which means THIS GIRL CAN REALLY REALLY REST UP. I can finally do all the things I've been putting on hold just so that I could focus on acing my classes this semester and come out in one piece... and let's not forget, staying sane too. Because let me tell you, IT WAS TOUGH.

When people tell you Master's is hard, they honestly weren't joking. I appreciate that they don't sugarcoat their words but I still wish I was more prepared for this semester. But who am I kidding, that's what I've been telling myself every semester since foundation year but seriously though, you will never be truly prepared. You just need to have some grit, a good strong gut, awesome support group, time your procrastination hours and never ever forget that you can break down and have a good cry when things get too overwhelming. I had many of those this semester but I had so much support from my parents and mum's ulam keeping me healthy, my super fun classmates and kind words from Rino that I could finally even be here. I thought I couldn't get through it but I'm so glad that I kept trying anyway.

I haven't really thought about what I will be doing this break but I do know that I don't want to slack and sleep away through the precious three months that I have. I mean, let's admit this together, you will never have a break this long in your life ever again, especially once you've left the studying life for good and embrace the adulting life. I want to start drawing and sketching like how I used to, reading books all day, playing with my cat Dessi till I wear myself out, learning to make a new dish in the kitchen without ruining dinner for the entire family and actually head outside in the garden because I haven't done that at all since we moved in to our new home. I can't wait to be human. That's all that I'm saying.

Oh, and since we were on the topic of books, I have two in particular that I would love to finish. They're both classic literature novels (no surprise there) and I really want to tick them off my TBR list just so that I can brag and say "I'VE READ TWO BOOKS SO FAR THIS YEAR". I used to read so much back then, easily finished a book in two days but I rarely have time to even hold one let alone read a couple of lines. But I got time now so I'll take it slow and enjoy what I have. 

I've recently watched this interesting YouTube video (can't remember what's it called but I'll get back on this ASAP) on how to read books with limited time. You basically just need to read a book or listen to an audiobook for 10 minutes a day and in a year, you can finish 10-50 books easy. It's an amazing concept that starts with something simple as sparing 10 minutes of any time of the day you can spare to read. I like that and honestly, once you can cover those teeny 10 mins, you can expand it longer as you read. Start small and it gets easier to do.

I also got new spectacles from a few weeks ago. It's totally not my typical style I usually go for. I've never tried any other designs other than the typical rectangular frames ones and I've been getting so many kind compliments about how I look. What do you guys think?

Okay, glasses aside, I think I've done this blog a huge favour by posting a super awesome update from the one and only. I want to keep writing in here throughout my break for as often as I can. Out of the many things that I missed during the semester was blogging. People weren't kidding when they said blogging makes you feel better because it does. Okay, that's enough for now, thank you for readingggg!

1 May 2019

πŸ™…Unraveling Week 9 of Master's Degree

5/01/2019 2 Comments

Where do I even begin? I mean, I owe it to this blog and to whoever who is kind enough to drop by and check if I'm still human or half-way to becoming a corpse. I am so sorry for not posting that many updates as I wanted.

I've been unbelievingly busy and it has gotten to the point that I'm mostly working in front of my laptop during every waking hour I have. I think the one day I actually have all to myself are on Fridays and that's about it.

Life, eh?

Anyways, just as I've mentioned earlier, it is now Week 10 in the semester and many of the assignments deadlines are dangerously close. I have to think twice or a gazillion times if I want to procrastinate and try my luck that it won't hit me hard on the face later. Trust me, as a student, you have to schedule everything even time for procrastination so you know how much time you have left (but usually you don't).

Last week was a little bit stressful, to be honest. Our bedroom air-cond sort of decided she had enough serving us so she broke down for a couple of days. I'm telling you if you don't have either an aircond or a fan to ventilate your room, you-will-die. Or close to one because for almost 3 days straight, I had about just 1-2 hours of sleep that didn't involve me waking up in a sweat and contemplating to sleep outside on the sofa where it's 2x hotter. But now, she's all patched up and behaving well. This leaves me a happier, not-so-much sleep deprived me in the mornings.

If we travel even further into last week, I was also fortunate enough to watch Endgame right after class was over. It was AMAZING and I hope so much that I can watch it again. I watched it on the first day the movie was out and the crowd was so supportive. Again, the movie??? 100/10. 10 stars out of five.

I've also bought a new book that I hope to read till the end. It was an impulse purchase sort of thing but I'm not regretting having it in my possession.

Image result for the tenant of wildfell hall book

This is a rather poor update of my life but I'm more than glad I can fill in you guys with what's going on lately. I'll update again soon!

xxx